Real Men Drink Flowers

Posted by Johnny Teacup on March 30, 2014as , , ,

A post about chrysanthemum pu’er, in which Johnny encounters the supremely manly musk of this testosterone-laden tea.

I am sick and tired of people decrying flowers as froo-froo, prettified, sissy-bait, or the like. When correctly viewed and ingested, flowery teas like this Chrysanthemum Pu’er brick can contain all of the necessary ingredients for the Exercise of True and Powerful Masculinity.

Behold

1) Like all great shou pu’er, this tea smells of the earth, worked by the hands of the swarthy and well-hung since time immemorial.

2) The flower used in this tea is Snow Chrysanthemum, which has been shown to contain masculianine, the botanical equivalent of human male pheremones. While drinking the tea, the vapors will send the signal of Man to all man-loving people nearby; when drunk regularly, it increases the power of the drinker’s pheremonal attraction by a whopping 790%, making Johnny (at least) the most desirable side of beef in this two-bit town.

3) The smooth, musky aroma of the brewed leaf, the gaiwan lid after brewing, and of the liquor itself is heady and intoxicating, like a memory (though certainly not the actual scent) of over-applied Old Spice on your favorite high-school quarterback.

Smelling and drinking this tea, infusion after infusion, I fall in love with myself…

and there is nothing manlier than that.

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7 Comments

  • If Beasts of Brewdom did not already exist, it would need to be invented for this post. Hurrah for Johnny, a fine beastly addition to the roster of beasts.

  • Profile photo of Xavier Xavier says:

    “I fall in love with myself…

    and there is nothing manlier than that.”

    Really?

  • Profile photo of Jackie Jackie says:

    Didn’t know tea reviews could be so amusing. I would drink this tea but then the whole pheremonal attraction thing might go wrong for me, if I turn into a quasi man. Looking forward to seeing you on the cover of the latest “Tea Hunk” magazine shortly. “Nothing comes between me and my tea leaf” will make a fine header.

    • Thank you for your support. My contract with “Tea Hunk” is still in the works; there are some outstanding issues about my extreme pulchritude, which should be worth more to their publication than they are currently offering. They’ll come around soon, I’m sure of it.

      Regarding your concerns: the pheremonal effect of Chrysanthemum Pu’er will only add to your sphere of attraction, rather than converting it fully to “beefcake” level as it does for me. If you do have negative results, you can always use lavender-chamomile tea to send the masculine energy packing.