Here’s a bit of a tease…
After a bit of a lull, expect more. Or expect less. But expect something in the next few days
CategoryB of B Original Posts
A post about chrysanthemum pu’er, in which Johnny encounters the supremely manly musk of this testosterone-laden tea.
I am sick and tired of people decrying flowers as froo-froo, prettified, sissy-bait, or the like. When correctly viewed and ingested, flowery teas like this Chrysanthemum Pu’er brick can contain all of the necessary ingredients for the Exercise of True and Powerful Masculinity.
Behold
1) Like all great shou pu’er, this tea smells of the earth, worked by the hands of the swarthy and well-hung since time immemorial.
2) The flower used in this tea is Snow Chrysanthemum, which has been shown to contain masculianine, the botanical equivalent of human male pheremones. While drinking the tea, the vapors will send the signal of Man to all man-loving people nearby; when drunk regularly, it increases the power of the drinker’s pheremonal attraction by a whopping 790%, making Johnny (at least) the most desirable side of beef in this two-bit town.
3) The smooth, musky aroma of the brewed leaf, the gaiwan lid after brewing, and of the liquor itself is heady and intoxicating, like a memory (though certainly not the actual scent) of over-applied Old Spice on your favorite high-school quarterback.
Smelling and drinking this tea, infusion after infusion, I fall in love with myself…
and there is nothing manlier than that.
This is the final installment of The Changing Faces of Lapsang Souchong trilogy. For Part 1, go HERE. For Part 2, go Here.
Warning: This installment is not going to be anywhere near as sophisticated or educational as the last two…which is why it’s on the Beasts of Brewdom page.
The Changing Face of Lapsang Souchong, Part 3: “Lapdance Souchong”
Amidst the wet and blizzard-like conditions nationwide, let’s flashback to last summer. Specifically, July. I just got done with one of the best experiences EVAR! picking tea for the very first time in Burlington, WA. The next day, I still had time to kill before I made the mad-trek back to Portland proper. Instead of exploring the insanity that is Seattle, I chose to hang out in one of its burbs – Burien.
I warned Cinnabar Gongfu of my intent to loiter at the Phoenix Teashop for the better part of the day, and she put up with me like a trooper – metaphoric helmet donned. Before I left, Cinnabar mentioned in passing that Phoenix carried both smoked and unsmoked Lapsang Souchong offerings from Fujian province, China. I asked for a price, deemed it worthy, and picked up an ounce of each. Somewhere in the transaction, I had uttered the phrase, “Lapdance Souchong”. And a thought emerged…I love it when that happens.
Why not do a side-by-side comparison of the two Lapsang styles and compare it to a Saturday stint at a strip joint? Jeenyus!
So, while most single men with money were at an actual strip joint on a Saturday night, I was home comparing teas to being at a strip joint. On a Saturday night. Hey, I said it was a thought, not a good thought.
The leaves for the Unsmoked Lapsang Souchong were medium-sized to whole, rolled and reed-like in appearance with some gold-tipped and red-tipped pieces in the fray. The aroma was quite dry, reminding me of a forest on a hot summer day. Astringent-seeming and slightly harsh, yet at the same time, welcoming. This dancer worked the weekend day shifts. She wore a dazzling red-and-gold one-piece that hugged her figure wholesomely, if not sexily. A looker but not a go-getter. Shy-seeming. Cute face, though.
The Smoked…well…
The leaves were similar in appearance – if more curled and crooked. They were also more soot black than the unsmoked, which was to be expected. The aroma was straight campfire and steak with a back-whiff of peat. This gal came out in a two-piece pleather thong bikini-something-er-other with devil horns adorned – tail lashing and trident at the ready.
Saturday night shift, all the way.
I brewed both at three minutes a pop (enough for one song in the champagne room) in 6oz. steeper cups. Boiling hot water and a teaspoon each. All’s fair in lust and Lapsang.
The Unsmoked liquor came out darker by a head, belying a shade darker copper than the Smoked. She also gave off an aroma of wood and bitterness – as if she had just gotten done with a twelve-hour stint, and her clear heels were killing her. The taste was straight malt with a hint of astringency on the finish. Like a Keemun only less refined. She wasn’t relegated to day shift; she was a newbie, still learning the ropes. But talented at that. And the things she did with her tongue – yikes!
The Smoked was a veteran of the stage. Sure, she didn’t have as bold outward appearance as the Unsmoked ingénue, but she glided across the palatial runway with all the swagger of a seasoned seductress. Her liquor color was dazzling yet left an air of mystery intact behind the copper sheen. The aroma wafting from her vessel was smoky but not pungently so. Hickory and backwoods campfire, yes, but it was downplayed once water hit her form. On taste, she shined like a phoenix-flamed goddess reaching her zenith. Raw talent can go a long way, but in the end, a little smoldering discipline edges ahead.
Smoked Lapsang for the WIN.
That isn’t to say I wouldn’t visit the Unsmoked often. There’s something about her that says, “Stay with me.” A come-hither stare and a bright-eyed innocence behind the malt and wood. I would visit her in the afternoons, but it’s the Smoked I’d wake up to in the mornings.
***
A quick aside: After I was done brewing both Lapsangs back-to-back, I forgot to photograph the finished steeps. I didn’t realize this until after I drank them. I had to re-brew them just for the photo finish. But then I couldn’t let those infusions go to waste…so I drank them. Four cups of tea. For one photo.
Yeah, I was up for a while.
Lord Devotea’s List Week: List 3*
Thomas Povey was a 17th century man about town that history seems to recall as titled, incompetent, rich and powerful, and not surprisingly, a British Member of Parliament. He seems to have done well under both Cromwell and the restored King Charles II, and he was on the spot when tea was becoming big in London in the mid/late 17th century.
He is remembered for a bunch of lawsuits and bunfights, but also for a list he translated from Chinese explaining the health benefits of tea.
Today we celebrate Povey’s list. With some additional commentary from me.
1. It purifyes the Bloud of that which is grosse and Heavy.
Getting all those gross, heavy things out of your blood is a really good idea. You don’t want lumpy blood.
2. It Vanquisheth heavy Dreames.
Heavy dreams are like, heavy, man, as they said in the 60s. The 1660s. And we don’t want that. Safely vanquished, thanks to tea.
3. It Easeth the brain of heavy Damps.
Tea drinkers will be light as a feather once all this heaviness is easethed. And nobody needs a damp brain. A clear, dry untroubled head can be achieved, it seems.
5. Prevents the Dropsies.
Dropsy is basically accumulated fluid in body cavities. Do you want that? Well, do you? No, you don’t! Good ol’ tea to the rescue again. Tip top, empty cavities are only a swift cup of Lord Petersham away.
6. Drieth Moist humours in the Head.
There’s nothing funny about moist humours in your head. We’ve already set our goal for a head untroubled by moisture, so this has to help. Problem Solveth.
7. Consumes Rawnesse.
If you have a touch of rawnesse, then having it quietly consumed is a good thing. Stops people asking impertinent questions, such as : “I say, my good man, is that a touch of rawnesse about your person?”
8. Opens Obstructions.
Fantastic. It doesn’t explain whether the obstruction is a polyp on your bowel, a distended tonsil, an overly ambitious supervisor at work or a rolled-over truck on the highway, but tea will no doubt fix them all.
9. Cleares the Sight.
Throwing away my glasses now. Where did you all go?
10. Clenseth and Purifieth adults humours and a hot Liver.
Humour can be downright dirty, we know that, but a quick mug and you’ll be telling nice grandmother-friendly jokes about kittens and squirrels whilst your liver cools.
11. Purifieth defects of the Bladder and Kiddneys.
I think we all know that after a few cups of tea, the bladder and kidneys are up for a spot of purification.
12. Vanquisheth Superfluous Sleep
Sleep is wasteful enough, but Superfluous sleep? It’s enough to drive Jon Bon Jovi mad. Luckily, it’s about to get vanquished, and vanquished hard.
13. Drives away dissiness, makes one Nimble and Valient.
Even though I chose not to be a professional ballet dancer, I feel great knowing that the next time my nimbleness or valour is required, I won’t be sidetracked by dissiness.
14. Encourageth the heart and Drives away feare.
Fear can’t stand up to tea. We all know that.
15. Drives away all Paines of the Collick which proceed from Wind.
I think we know what he means here. The 16th century diet was quite robust, unlike what we eat these days. On second thoughts, scratch that, and order a tea with your cheeseburger and fries.
16. Strengthens the Inward parts and Prevents Consumptions.
It’s great to have really strong inward parts. In this case probably the lungs as ‘consumption’ is tuberculosis. If only medical science had known!
17. Strengthens the Memory.
It really does. Tea drinkers have usually memorised pi to more decimal places than non-tea drinkers according to a scientific study I conducted using myself and a cat as subjects. The cat had little memory, and also did not drink tea. I was going to use goldfish, but they kept forgetting to fill in the form.
18. Sharpens the Will and Quickens the Understanding.
Stands to reason, doesn’t it? If you have a better memory a la point 17, you’re not going to go all vague at times when you need to be on the ball.
19. Purgeth Safely the Gaul.
I know enough history to know that Gaul was the Roman name for France, Belgium, Luxembourg and a few other European hot spots of miscreants. So it appears once you’ve imbibed your Earl Grey, you can safely remove Frenchmen. This is a bonus, although my friend @xavier may not agree. Some historians believe this relates to the gall bladder, not the French, but where’s the fun in that?
20. Strengthens the use of due benevolence.
Well, isn’t that just the best. We get to be all benevolent, and show great tolerance for every thing and everyone, except moist brains, heavy stuff and Gauls.
So there you have it. That’s all you need to know!
*This is List 3 of “Lord Devotea’s List Week” a spectacular week of lists that will be spread over the Beasts of Brewdom and Lord Devotea’s Tea Spouts blog.
Lord Devotea’s List Week. List 1*
At some point, someone has probably offered you proper loose leaf tea. And perhaps you don’t drink it.
That’s OK- and this list is for you!
When offered, you may have made a hugely offensive comment. After all, you don’t drink tea, you’ve probably got other character flaws including little or no judgement.
So, here’s a quick and polite guide to stop you embarrassing yourself with your own ignorance and stupidity.
(1) Tea is Just Tea
You think all tea tastes the same? That it IS the same?
So you think it’s OK to say “I don’t like tea” because you tried a stale Liptons tea-b*g in in 1987?
To tea drinkers, that’s just as credible as if you’re standing on a street corner, clad only in alfoil shorts and a banana-leaf halter top, with cymbals strapped to your knees. You’re clashing the cymbals together whilst screaming at the top of your lungs that ferrets are planning to take over the world, and the International Ferret Revolution will be happening next Tuesday at 5:37 a.m. GMT.
Think about that the next time you’re offered a decent cuppa.
(2) You think you might drink Oolong to lose weight
It’s not our fault that you think Dr Oz is the real life equivalent of Gandalf. Yes, you should drink tea, and buckets of it, but if you try to lose weight without diet and exercise, it will be exactly as successful as trying to become the number one tennis player in the world by wearing the same aftershave as Roger Federer.
Also, I can sell you some magic beans. Send $1000 to me in a self-addressed envelope. Ask your carer to post it.
(3) You think tea-b*gs are good enough
No , they are not. Idiot.
(4) You think, “But, but. Lord Devotea, silky tea-b*gs with ‘whole leaf tea’ in them really are good enough.”
No, you’re still an idiot. And when you say that sentence, there’s a definite whining quality to your voice that makes us want to drown you.
Listen, “silky” tea bags are usually made of plastic or corn starch, not silk. Did you really fall for that? And the wonderful phrase “whole leaf tea, cut up” is like describing your car as “A space shuttle, but with a few less features”.
(5) You think I’m a ‘Tea Snob’
This one makes my blood boil. All I have to do is take a moderate amount of care to make a cuppa – about the same level of care I take to put petrol (gasoline), not diesel, in my car’s fuel tank – and I’m a tea snob?
Get this: just because someone has a set of standards that is minimally above your level of “how many gallons of Coca-Cola do you want with your greaseburger” gastronomy does not make them a “tea snob”. It makes YOU sadly inadequate.
(6) Tea is for when you are sick
There’s no denying that tea is great when you are sick. But only having it when you are sick is like SCUBA diving but only breathing in the air when you’re passing out.
And if you drink tea, you’ll probably get sick less anyway. Science says so.
(7) Tea is an old person’s/ woman’s/ homosexual’s/ Kanka Bono/ Asian/ British/<insert other group here> drink
Of course it is. It’s everyone’s drink. IT’S THE MOST POPULAR BEVERAGE IN THE WORLD, you moron. It’s more popular than the Dr Pepper or Jim Beam you drink for breakfast, the rap music you listen to, that TV show you watch about that dude who does funny stuff or the illicit magazine you are hiding from your mother/significant other/warden.
Yes, everybody! Except you. We’re not only drinking tea, we’re laughing at you behind your back.
(8) But I drink coffee
What do you want, a medal?
So you drink coffee? Do you eat more than one type of food? You know, Burgers AND fries? I’m pretty well over talking to you at all!
(9) But I don’t like all those fussy little China cups.
Look, we’re done here. Seriously? If that’s the best you can come up with, then I recommend you have a crack at voluntary euthanasia. Just do it somewhere quietly, away from the tea drinkers, OK?
(10) But drinking tea doesn’t fit with my politics because, you know, the ‘Tea Party’ and all that…
Oh shut up. I’ve stopped listening.
*This is List One of “Lord Devotea’s List Week” a spectacular week of lists that will be spread over the Beasts of Brewdom and Lord Devotea’s Tea Spouts blog.
For BOOK 1 of The Teabeer Trilogy, go HERE.
Not too long ago in a public house relatively nearby…
It began with an e-mail.
I’m not even sure how I got on their list, but The Green Dragon sent me an e-mail at the beginning of the month about some of their Fall events. Part of the image was about their upcoming Pumpkin Ale Fest.
F**k pumpkin, I thought.
Then my eyes scrolled down to the bottom half of the poster.
Barrel. Aged. Lapsang. Souchong. Porter.
No five words in the English (or Chinese) dictionary could’ve been strung together so poetically. For those not in the know – or don’t read this blog much – Lapsang Souchong is a pinewood-smoked black tea from China. It tastes like hickory and campfire. Many legends exist about how it came to be. I even wrote one. No, it’s not true.
For years, I’d wondered what a Lapsang beer would taste like. I even tried to convince brewer friends of mine to take up the challenge. Most were frightened by the prospect of including a heavily-smoked tea into a beer of any kind. Especially without having an established recipe to go on.
I had experimented with Lapsang Souchong concentrate and a smoked porter once…with less than amiable results. But now Rogue – arguably one of Oregon’s brewery titans – had taken up the challenge. Or more specifically, the Man Behind the Beard – John Maier, their brewmaster.
Rogue’s Big Ass Barrel series (as far as I know) were beers aged in 1,500-gallon, custom-made Oregon white oak barrels for 60 days. I remember reading somewhere they had two of them – named Chuck and Kate – but I can’t seem to find anything online to corroborate this. Maybe I dreamt it; I dunno.
Point being, some awesome beers were coming out of these – aptly named – big ass barrels. I had the pleasure of trying a strong ale in that series during my impromptu teabeer jaunt to The Green Dragon. It was on said jaunt that I inquired about when the Lapsang porter would be ready. Green Dragon’s bartenders weren’t exactly sure, but told me to give a call to Rogue’s NW Flanders location for further info. I gave ‘em a call the moment I got off work.
The conversation went like this…
Me: “When will you have the Lapsang Souchong porter available in bottles?
Bartender: “I’m not sure when they’ll start bottling it.”
Me: [le sigh] “Any idea when it will be on tap?”
Bartender: “It’s already on tap.”
I was on the road minutes later.
The moment I got in, slightly panting, I went up to the bar and said, “Lapsang Souchong porter, please?”
The bartender looked at me and replied with, “Were you the one I just talked to?”
I nodded, still wheezing.
They poured the black monstrosity into a fitting chalice.
I cradled it for a moment as if it were the Holy Grail itself, then I gave it a sniff. Wood, malt, chocolate and smoke met my nostrils. The first sip was akin to being transported to another place in time. Campfires, Norse mead halls, and Mongolian caravans danced and warred on my tongue. Flavors as strong and gentle as any warrior attacked my palate with grace and a grimace.
It was the greatest beer I’d ever had…and I’ve tried a lot of beers.
While I was sipping it, I informed my friend NinjaSpecs about its awesomeness. We planned an outing for the following day. Yes, I went back. It was that good. As I was waiting for him to arrive, I ordered it. There was a new bartender manning the taps.
I asked for it.
He looked at me, “Are you sure? Have you had it before?”
“Positive,” I said flatly. “I love Lapsang.”
“Those who know what it is, love it,” the ‘tender explained. “Those who don’t…really don’t.”
A couple of out-of town-businessmen confirmed this by expressing their disapproval.
Pussies, I thought.
NinjaSpecs arrived a half-hour later, ordered one, and stated in a matter-of-fact tone, “I wish I’d brought another pair of pants.”
My work here was done.
For now.
Concluded in Book 3.
It’s international Coffee Day. (It really is, look it up on Wikipedia if you doubt us.)
It’s an important day.
Over their lifetime, most people in Western countries will suffer from coffee at some time.
It’s a debilitating condition, and as we swill the last of our Darjeeling FTGFOP1, it’s important that we put aside this special day to think about those less fortunate than ourselves.
So, it’s time to do your bit.
Make tea for your friends, your family. Remember, every cup of tea you make someone removes the threat of coffee for between 30 minutes and 2 hours.
Let’s hope in the future, we don’t have to have an International Coffee Day, because it is but a distant memory, like smallpox or Hall & Oates. Even if our memory has been enhanced by drinking at least 4 cups of tea every day.
And share this post, so we can get the message out there.
I just had a guest post published on Tea health Studies. As part of the deal, I told them they should have all the Beasts do a post for them. Poor bastards.
Here’s my rant: http://teahealthstudies.org/2013/08/22/guest-post-when-tea-meets-science/
I had a bit of thinking about where this post needed to go.
Not on my tea blog, as even a master of tea placement like myself can’t pretend it’s about tea. In fact, tea will only turn up once within this story. I’ll mark it with an asterisk so you don’t miss it.
Not on my Muses and Rants blog, because I’ve used that about once in the last two years, and it doesn’t really fit.
So Beasts of Brewdom it is: and to be fair it contains manly stuff, a little brewed beverage and bangs on about social media, which is after all how Beasts of Brewdom was invented.
So, within the social media sphere I have somewhat of a profile, and for the most part, that is all thanks to my relentless blogging and my highly abusive tweets. It also helps that I am connected to some really well known tea bloggers and a few others.
So, the ratings site Klout has me in the middle of the pack. This turns out to be quite useful.
You may remember years ago I mentioned that a company had sent me a pile of Japanese tea at one time to review.
It included genmaicha, which I have no idea what to do with, as I don’t own a horse.
So we took all the Japanese teas and turned them into bath bombs with varying degrees of success. At the time, I pointed out in my blog that with a little research, they never would have been daft enough to send me that tea.
Enter Dollar Shave Club, who have decided to send me some razors. The selection process seems to be that I have a reasonable Klout score, live in Australia and am male. Pretty reasonable odds that the product might be useful. Sure, I might have a religious ban on shaving, have alopecia or be 11 years old, but happily, none of those are true.
After treating me to an excellent and hilarious video, these guys duly sent the razors which arrived yesterday.
So this morning, I put down my cup of Lord Petersham * and put blade to face.
Well before trying the razors, I had shared the video on Facebook and Twitter. It’s hilarious. So these guys had already won. It’s cost them a few free razors.
The funny thing is, I heard the guy from Dollar Shave Club on the radio a year ago, and was impressed by what he had to say. After he finished, a guy who claimed he used to work for Gilette rang the station, and said that that company made so much money from replacement razors that they referred to the factory that makes the replacements as “the mint”.
I decide then and there to sign up.
But I was in the car at the time, and the information had dribbled out of my brain within a few minutes.
So, back to my face. A few pumps of shaving oil on my three-day growth, and out with the razor.
Was it any good.
No?
It was f***ing great, to quote their slogan.
The handle was really comfortable, the 4 blades did the trick, and the idea that I get a new one each week is really attractive. Normally, I make the last one last, if you know what I mean.
So, why blog about it?
Because this is the future. This is smart, product-driven, niche marketing. And non-religeously-beardy, non-alopecian adult Australian males is a sizable niche.
They engaged me with humour and flattery, backed it up with a great product and a unique delivery method and they won.
So why blog about it? Why not just use the free razors and quietly get on with life.
The reason is simple: a few years from now when half the products in the world are sold like this, I can smugly point to this and say: I saw this coming.
After all, I am moderately influential. Australian. Male. And closely shaved.
*there it is© 2020 Beasts Of Brewdom
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