Here’s a bit of a tease…
After a bit of a lull, expect more. Or expect less. But expect something in the next few days
Here’s a bit of a tease…
After a bit of a lull, expect more. Or expect less. But expect something in the next few days
Lord Devotea’s List Week. List 1*
At some point, someone has probably offered you proper loose leaf tea. And perhaps you don’t drink it.
That’s OK- and this list is for you!
When offered, you may have made a hugely offensive comment. After all, you don’t drink tea, you’ve probably got other character flaws including little or no judgement.
So, here’s a quick and polite guide to stop you embarrassing yourself with your own ignorance and stupidity.
(1) Tea is Just Tea
You think all tea tastes the same? That it IS the same?
So you think it’s OK to say “I don’t like tea” because you tried a stale Liptons tea-b*g in in 1987?
To tea drinkers, that’s just as credible as if you’re standing on a street corner, clad only in alfoil shorts and a banana-leaf halter top, with cymbals strapped to your knees. You’re clashing the cymbals together whilst screaming at the top of your lungs that ferrets are planning to take over the world, and the International Ferret Revolution will be happening next Tuesday at 5:37 a.m. GMT.
Think about that the next time you’re offered a decent cuppa.
(2) You think you might drink Oolong to lose weight
It’s not our fault that you think Dr Oz is the real life equivalent of Gandalf. Yes, you should drink tea, and buckets of it, but if you try to lose weight without diet and exercise, it will be exactly as successful as trying to become the number one tennis player in the world by wearing the same aftershave as Roger Federer.
Also, I can sell you some magic beans. Send $1000 to me in a self-addressed envelope. Ask your carer to post it.
(3) You think tea-b*gs are good enough
No , they are not. Idiot.
(4) You think, “But, but. Lord Devotea, silky tea-b*gs with ‘whole leaf tea’ in them really are good enough.”
No, you’re still an idiot. And when you say that sentence, there’s a definite whining quality to your voice that makes us want to drown you.
Listen, “silky” tea bags are usually made of plastic or corn starch, not silk. Did you really fall for that? And the wonderful phrase “whole leaf tea, cut up” is like describing your car as “A space shuttle, but with a few less features”.
(5) You think I’m a ‘Tea Snob’
This one makes my blood boil. All I have to do is take a moderate amount of care to make a cuppa – about the same level of care I take to put petrol (gasoline), not diesel, in my car’s fuel tank – and I’m a tea snob?
Get this: just because someone has a set of standards that is minimally above your level of “how many gallons of Coca-Cola do you want with your greaseburger” gastronomy does not make them a “tea snob”. It makes YOU sadly inadequate.
(6) Tea is for when you are sick
There’s no denying that tea is great when you are sick. But only having it when you are sick is like SCUBA diving but only breathing in the air when you’re passing out.
And if you drink tea, you’ll probably get sick less anyway. Science says so.
(7) Tea is an old person’s/ woman’s/ homosexual’s/ Kanka Bono/ Asian/ British/<insert other group here> drink
Of course it is. It’s everyone’s drink. IT’S THE MOST POPULAR BEVERAGE IN THE WORLD, you moron. It’s more popular than the Dr Pepper or Jim Beam you drink for breakfast, the rap music you listen to, that TV show you watch about that dude who does funny stuff or the illicit magazine you are hiding from your mother/significant other/warden.
Yes, everybody! Except you. We’re not only drinking tea, we’re laughing at you behind your back.
(8) But I drink coffee
What do you want, a medal?
So you drink coffee? Do you eat more than one type of food? You know, Burgers AND fries? I’m pretty well over talking to you at all!
(9) But I don’t like all those fussy little China cups.
Look, we’re done here. Seriously? If that’s the best you can come up with, then I recommend you have a crack at voluntary euthanasia. Just do it somewhere quietly, away from the tea drinkers, OK?
(10) But drinking tea doesn’t fit with my politics because, you know, the ‘Tea Party’ and all that…
Oh shut up. I’ve stopped listening.
*This is List One of “Lord Devotea’s List Week” a spectacular week of lists that will be spread over the Beasts of Brewdom and Lord Devotea’s Tea Spouts blog.
It’s international Coffee Day. (It really is, look it up on Wikipedia if you doubt us.)
It’s an important day.
Over their lifetime, most people in Western countries will suffer from coffee at some time.
It’s a debilitating condition, and as we swill the last of our Darjeeling FTGFOP1, it’s important that we put aside this special day to think about those less fortunate than ourselves.
So, it’s time to do your bit.
Make tea for your friends, your family. Remember, every cup of tea you make someone removes the threat of coffee for between 30 minutes and 2 hours.
Let’s hope in the future, we don’t have to have an International Coffee Day, because it is but a distant memory, like smallpox or Hall & Oates. Even if our memory has been enhanced by drinking at least 4 cups of tea every day.
And share this post, so we can get the message out there.
I just had a guest post published on Tea health Studies. As part of the deal, I told them they should have all the Beasts do a post for them. Poor bastards.
Here’s my rant: http://teahealthstudies.org/2013/08/22/guest-post-when-tea-meets-science/
I had a bit of thinking about where this post needed to go.
Not on my tea blog, as even a master of tea placement like myself can’t pretend it’s about tea. In fact, tea will only turn up once within this story. I’ll mark it with an asterisk so you don’t miss it.
Not on my Muses and Rants blog, because I’ve used that about once in the last two years, and it doesn’t really fit.
So Beasts of Brewdom it is: and to be fair it contains manly stuff, a little brewed beverage and bangs on about social media, which is after all how Beasts of Brewdom was invented.
So, within the social media sphere I have somewhat of a profile, and for the most part, that is all thanks to my relentless blogging and my highly abusive tweets. It also helps that I am connected to some really well known tea bloggers and a few others.
So, the ratings site Klout has me in the middle of the pack. This turns out to be quite useful.
You may remember years ago I mentioned that a company had sent me a pile of Japanese tea at one time to review.
It included genmaicha, which I have no idea what to do with, as I don’t own a horse.
So we took all the Japanese teas and turned them into bath bombs with varying degrees of success. At the time, I pointed out in my blog that with a little research, they never would have been daft enough to send me that tea.
Enter Dollar Shave Club, who have decided to send me some razors. The selection process seems to be that I have a reasonable Klout score, live in Australia and am male. Pretty reasonable odds that the product might be useful. Sure, I might have a religious ban on shaving, have alopecia or be 11 years old, but happily, none of those are true.
After treating me to an excellent and hilarious video, these guys duly sent the razors which arrived yesterday.
So this morning, I put down my cup of Lord Petersham * and put blade to face.
Well before trying the razors, I had shared the video on Facebook and Twitter. It’s hilarious. So these guys had already won. It’s cost them a few free razors.
The funny thing is, I heard the guy from Dollar Shave Club on the radio a year ago, and was impressed by what he had to say. After he finished, a guy who claimed he used to work for Gilette rang the station, and said that that company made so much money from replacement razors that they referred to the factory that makes the replacements as “the mint”.
I decide then and there to sign up.
But I was in the car at the time, and the information had dribbled out of my brain within a few minutes.
So, back to my face. A few pumps of shaving oil on my three-day growth, and out with the razor.
Was it any good.
No?
It was f***ing great, to quote their slogan.
The handle was really comfortable, the 4 blades did the trick, and the idea that I get a new one each week is really attractive. Normally, I make the last one last, if you know what I mean.
So, why blog about it?
Because this is the future. This is smart, product-driven, niche marketing. And non-religeously-beardy, non-alopecian adult Australian males is a sizable niche.
They engaged me with humour and flattery, backed it up with a great product and a unique delivery method and they won.
So why blog about it? Why not just use the free razors and quietly get on with life.
The reason is simple: a few years from now when half the products in the world are sold like this, I can smugly point to this and say: I saw this coming.
After all, I am moderately influential. Australian. Male. And closely shaved.
*there it is© 2019 Beasts Of Brewdom
Theme by Anders Norén — Up ↑