As Beasts of Brewdom, we take manliness very seriously, and one of the standard tenets of masculinity over the aeons is to refuse to have anything to with any discussion whatsoever of <ahem> Women’s Problems.
Except of course, for the incredible usefulness in jokes.
For example., I heard on the radio the other day this gem “If women ran the world, there would be no war. There would , however, be some very tense negotiations every 28 days”. And my favourite joke, which takes about ten minutes to tell and involves Harrods, and a large sale, and of course an Australian, would not be remotely possibly without <ahem> Women’s Problems.
But it’s time to man up, men! It’s time to have a full, frank and fearless discussion of <ahem> Women’s problems.
Part of the difficulty, as a man, is that we have to reconcile the images we see on TV ads for <ahem> Women’s Problems products, which shows women playing tennis, skipping happily along the beach and inventing cold nuclear fission reactors whilst dropping the kids off to school and winning ‘Parent of the Year’, with the raging beast in front of us that moves her chocolate to her left hand so she can run us through with a kitchen knife clasped in her sweaty right.
It is at these times that tea comes to the forefront. Let’s face it guys, there are times when the only that stops you from a guest appearance on an autopsy bench is that cup of tea you have thoughtfully made, and taken out on a delicate china cup, along with a vat of ice-cream or an entire chocolate mud cake (Hint, take a very blunt knife to cut the cake, just in case).
Now it is well known that the medical profession worldwide recommend* two teas for <ahem> Women’s Problems , and they are Lady Devotea and Fleurs de Provence, as they contain calming lavender and taste sweet, two essential ingredients in any tea for this occasion.
There was a guy who was once married to a family member, and he had this theory that as women knew about and could expect <ahem> Women’s Problems, they should just allow for it, not get cranky and get over it. He is no longer married.
So, in reality, men: the only thing you can do make some tea and cake, suddenly discover something that urgently needs doing some distance away, and only move back into your cherished lady’s orbit when it’s time for more tea.
Of course, if you have no lady in your life and no morals, there’s a real opportunity here. Here’s how it works.
Get a bucket of water. Hold some chocolate in your hand and shout angrily at the water. The water is now magically a genuine homoeopathic cure for <ahem> Women’s Problems. Bottle it and sell it for $10 an ounce.
As long as you move towns every four weeks, everyone else’s cloud can be your silver lining.
*A filthy lie and a shameless plug to boot – you just can’t trust us men.
May 4, 2012 at 7:30 am
I always thought (Ahem) men were a woman’s problem (Ahem). Although if you were (Ahem) open to trying something new to address the issues you so delicately described you might enjoy my next cooking post on Conversations With Tea.
May 4, 2012 at 8:08 am
Love that idea @jopj and I am pretty sure (Ahem) men are the problem during that time. Oh wait, I am not “pretty sure” I am certain that’s the case. As for the solution @thedevotea presented currently makes me think… “If it were that easy it wouldn’t be an issue would it, duh,”. However, catch me in about a week and I may just laugh at it, move on, chuckle and say… “That’s Robert for you.” The best way for me to explain is Star Trek style. Loosely of course.
If I were a Vulcan & Human I’d have a balance of emotion and control most of the month. I believe this to be me most of the time. Of course, there is always an exception.
Once a month I lose my control and my emotions become not only more volitle but illogical as well. At this time I am more human. Well, a human with those pesky irrational emotions that is.
Hey, don’t judge me by what I have said above. It’s that one time a month and I am always right and this phaser is NOT set to stun.
May 4, 2012 at 10:23 am
And this is why I’m single.
May 4, 2012 at 10:09 pm
So the beautiful message here is:
Buy his tea with the lavender and the oranges if you’re doing mad cartwheels through the house, once a month. If, on the other hand, for whatever reason, you happen to feel quite stable, buy the tea anyway. The calming effects likely accumulate over time. So, if you drink his tea for 10 years, in very large amounts, you might not have to go through mood swings ever again.
If it doesn’t work for you, don’t blame Robert! Console yourself with the uplifting thought, that a fellow Tea Trader is relaxing in his island paradise, now a very happy, and quite wealthy man.
May 5, 2012 at 12:09 am
Love it @Jackie absolutely love it. Actually burst out laughing. 🙂
May 6, 2012 at 1:57 am
@thedevotea, a new kind of “Runaway” before the Knight Women of ahem? 😉