Keeping abreast of tea

Beasts of Brewdom is a blog for MEN, and what do things aimed at men have one them?

Breasts, that’s what.

Advertisers and marketers would have you believe that men like to admire breasts so much that we can’t live without them plastered across our sites.

Of course, there are certain stipulations:

  • They must be female – Vladimir Putin may wish to flash his man-lumps for the cameras but no-one here is interested. 
  • They must not be overly clad- 4 layers of fabric and it might as well be a landscape painting.
  • They must be accompanied by an object that men can pretend to be looking at, like a sports car.

It is rumoured that the only reason rack and pinion steering  was invented was to cover an engineer who said “look at that rack” at an auto show within earshot of his wife.

So, it behoves us to jump on the breastwagon.

Where to start with tea and breasts?

Firstly, we’re not going to go down the photographic route. Adding a photo would just be too predictable. We use the power of words. And if that fails, we’ll put a picture at the end.

So, let’s start with toucha.

These little buggers have an interesting shape. According to legend, this shape originate when female tea pickers concealed stolen tea leaves inside their garments. Specifically, about their nipples.

Clearly, a silly story. And yet, when you look at the picture on the right…:tuocha

Anyway, us Beasts clearly don’t believe such an apocryphal tale. Here’s our roving reporter Lazy Literatus with a far more truthful tale:

When one thinks of Bi Luo Chun, the first thing that comes to mind is – well – green tea. More to the point, green tea leaves that are sorta shaped like snail shells. 

Well, Bi Luo Chun (or “Green Snail Spring”) wasn’t always the moniker these twisty little leaves possessed.

Once upon a time, in a dynasty far, far…er…long ago, Bi Luo Chun was known as “Xia Sha Ren Xiang”, which literally translates to “scary fragrance”. As the legend goes, a female tea picker had no more…uh…space in which to hold tea leaves, at least not in the basket she was supplied. In a moment of sheer genius, she opted for the best place ever! To store the remaining leaves. In her bosom.

Those were the luckiest tea leaves that ever existed.

Her body heat had a rather interesting effect on said leaves, beyond the apparent awesomeness of boob-cradling. The fragrance from her natural…um…ampleness transferred onto the tea leaves. Thus resulting in the “scary fragrance” for which the namesake derives.

The Kangxi emperor – being a complete and utter buzzkill – thought the name was too inappropriate. So, he had it officially changed to “Bi Luo Chun” in honor of the leaf’s given shape after processing. Frankly, the Kangxi emperor can “Bi Luo” me. The original name rolls off the tongue far better than the edit. Like actual boobs.

Although, that does make me wonder? What is so scary about boob fragrance? Is it the apparent mind control powers the aroma possesses? Egad…wait. Does that mean that my love of Bi Luo Chun and all its variances is a lie – a conspiratorial creation by the mammary illuminati?! I can never look at those snail-shaped leaves the same way again!

Ah, screw it. Boobs are awesome. And so is Bi Luo Chun. 

Thanks Geoff

And now, a fitting picture:



  1. Oh boys you will always be boys. Pretty cool though. 🙂

  2. I like to think we skate a fine line.

  3. It’s a good thing these ladies didn’t have to swim across any rivers with their tea chests.Which of course makes me wonder if there is more to the term tea chest than most of us realized?!

    • That reminds me of an exchange I saw in a sci-fi show once.

      Two men were talking about something inappropriate, and a woman said, “I’m drowning in a sea of testosterone.”

      One of the men replied with, “At least you have floatation devices.”

  4. I am getting more nervous as the days pass. Just the thought of you and Geoff in the same place at the same time. I think I may have to resort to an herbal infusion to get me through this.

  5. “Bi Luo me?” epic comeback!

  6. Well, I we may have this before, but thank god the Chinese aren’t letting the the breast-cradling of leaves die. The world would be a sadder place with no tea leaves smothered in mammary love: Virgin with C-cup breasts is required for job as tea picker.

  7. Boys will be boys but I think boys drinking tea are worst than the others 😉