Lord Devotea’s List Week. List 1*
At some point, someone has probably offered you proper loose leaf tea. And perhaps you don’t drink it.
That’s OK- and this list is for you!
When offered, you may have made a hugely offensive comment. After all, you don’t drink tea, you’ve probably got other character flaws including little or no judgement.
So, here’s a quick and polite guide to stop you embarrassing yourself with your own ignorance and stupidity.
(1) Tea is Just Tea
You think all tea tastes the same? That it IS the same?
So you think it’s OK to say “I don’t like tea” because you tried a stale Liptons tea-b*g in in 1987?
To tea drinkers, that’s just as credible as if you’re standing on a street corner, clad only in alfoil shorts and a banana-leaf halter top, with cymbals strapped to your knees. You’re clashing the cymbals together whilst screaming at the top of your lungs that ferrets are planning to take over the world, and the International Ferret Revolution will be happening next Tuesday at 5:37 a.m. GMT.
Think about that the next time you’re offered a decent cuppa.
(2) You think you might drink Oolong to lose weight
It’s not our fault that you think Dr Oz is the real life equivalent of Gandalf. Yes, you should drink tea, and buckets of it, but if you try to lose weight without diet and exercise, it will be exactly as successful as trying to become the number one tennis player in the world by wearing the same aftershave as Roger Federer.
Also, I can sell you some magic beans. Send $1000 to me in a self-addressed envelope. Ask your carer to post it.
(3) You think tea-b*gs are good enough
No , they are not. Idiot.
(4) You think, “But, but. Lord Devotea, silky tea-b*gs with ‘whole leaf tea’ in them really are good enough.”
No, you’re still an idiot. And when you say that sentence, there’s a definite whining quality to your voice that makes us want to drown you.
Listen, “silky” tea bags are usually made of plastic or corn starch, not silk. Did you really fall for that? And the wonderful phrase “whole leaf tea, cut up” is like describing your car as “A space shuttle, but with a few less features”.
(5) You think I’m a ‘Tea Snob’
This one makes my blood boil. All I have to do is take a moderate amount of care to make a cuppa – about the same level of care I take to put petrol (gasoline), not diesel, in my car’s fuel tank – and I’m a tea snob?
Get this: just because someone has a set of standards that is minimally above your level of “how many gallons of Coca-Cola do you want with your greaseburger” gastronomy does not make them a “tea snob”. It makes YOU sadly inadequate.
(6) Tea is for when you are sick
There’s no denying that tea is great when you are sick. But only having it when you are sick is like SCUBA diving but only breathing in the air when you’re passing out.
And if you drink tea, you’ll probably get sick less anyway. Science says so.
(7) Tea is an old person’s/ woman’s/ homosexual’s/ Kanka Bono/ Asian/ British/<insert other group here> drink
Of course it is. It’s everyone’s drink. IT’S THE MOST POPULAR BEVERAGE IN THE WORLD, you moron. It’s more popular than the Dr Pepper or Jim Beam you drink for breakfast, the rap music you listen to, that TV show you watch about that dude who does funny stuff or the illicit magazine you are hiding from your mother/significant other/warden.
Yes, everybody! Except you. We’re not only drinking tea, we’re laughing at you behind your back.
(8) But I drink coffee
What do you want, a medal?
So you drink coffee? Do you eat more than one type of food? You know, Burgers AND fries? I’m pretty well over talking to you at all!
(9) But I don’t like all those fussy little China cups.
Look, we’re done here. Seriously? If that’s the best you can come up with, then I recommend you have a crack at voluntary euthanasia. Just do it somewhere quietly, away from the tea drinkers, OK?
(10) But drinking tea doesn’t fit with my politics because, you know, the ‘Tea Party’ and all that…
Oh shut up. I’ve stopped listening.
*This is List One of “Lord Devotea’s List Week” a spectacular week of lists that will be spread over the Beasts of Brewdom and Lord Devotea’s Tea Spouts blog.